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| what a wierd life |
| 05.24.04 (5:17 am) [edit] |
Well, life has certainly changed around here. It is almost surreal. A. is now over a month sober and doing well. He is, however, driving me crazy! lol
I have to get used to this person I am married to. Remember I once said that he had been high the entire time we've been together? Well, the only thing he is high on now is life and I am blown away!
Before he went into rehab he couldn't walk to the mailbox without his back hurting - now he has lost almost 30 lbs and goes to the beach every day and walks 1-2 miles - I can't keep up with him!! His energy is boundless...he is busy busy busy...he cleans, he runs errands, he has went on job interviews, he makes phone calls. When he isn't doing that he is reading or looking up things on the internet about nutrition. (He always was a fanatic about exercise and nutrition).
I admit I feel a bit neglected, I also still harbor quite a bit of anger. Al-anon and my therapist assure me that his behavior and my feelings are totally normal. Thank God! All in all, things are good - now I just have to deal with my own crap...
In other news, I landed an interview in KEY WEST! For a teaching position at an all girls school. I had a very good phone interview with the principal and she wants me to come down this Friday. My mother is going to drive down with me. The principal knows I have no teaching experience but likes me mostly because I know that Key West is like living in NYC - crowded, overpriced, and hot. I know what I'm getting into - most people think it is paradise - I know better. My family settled in Key West in the late 1800's and stayed there until 1960 something.
Until later...hugs to all..
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| Today is finally here! |
| 05.14.04 (4:28 am) [edit] |
On my way shortly to pick up A. from rehab. He has been there for four weeks! I can't believe it has been so short a time because it has felt like years.
What do I feel today? Excited, nervous, scared, tired...so many emotions wrapped up in there - the excitement over being with this man who is the same yet new in a way is like being a kid waiting for Disney World or Christmas....I am shaking with excitement!
Luckily, the excitement outweighs the negative emotions. I have learned tools in the last 4 weeks - how to let those negatives go, how to turn them over to God, how to project happy endings.
Everyone should go to therapy, in my opinion. We are all so fucked up. I cannot describe how wonderful it is to unload the crap and actually be happy for a change! It was hard, it was painful but it was worth it. And I am not going to stop working on getting rid of all that crap - 42 years worth of crap..sigh...
I know (we know) that the hardest part is in front of us. The transition back home from being a safe place for a month is going to be challenging for him. The world is a scary scary place and even more so when you are a recovering addict.
So send us white light and love!
Hugs to everyone and thank you (you know who you are) for all of your support!
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| things are looking up |
| 05.07.04 (6:55 am) [edit] |
A. called last night and we talked for an hour or so. He actually told me he loved me! He said he is sick and tired of the macho crap that keeps men from actually SAYING it and he is working to be able to express his feelings. How is THAT for a breakthrough?? lol
Classes start next week for summer. I am taking Film: A Look at the Seventies and International Film. Should be interesting...the classes are four hours long, twice a week - we will screen one film for two hours and then talk about it for the other two. My professor for the Seventies Film class has already put me to work researching and preparing a presentation on Vietnam. There are only 3 grad students in the class and we have to do extra work..like giving presentations.
Everyone here is headed down south for the weekend, leaving me all alone on Mother's Day....sigh...once upon a time that was all I wanted...take the kids away from me on Mother's Day!! ha ha..Now they are grown and I just want them back...
I would head over to spend the day with my man but there is no one here to watch the dogs and I really really don't want to drag them on a 4 hour trip again. Just 9 more days and HE WILL BE HOME!!
My middle son has finally set a date for his wedding! Well, they are just going to the courthouse on June 18th. The actual wedding won't be until June 18th, 2005. They are college students and just can't afford a big wedding this year. But now I have a whole year to look forward to my first child's wedding!! Oh God....I have got to lose weight before then...photos you know...eeeekkkkkkksss!
Hugs to all in blogland....
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| A letter from A. |
| 05.06.04 (9:59 am) [edit] |
He writes:
[i]I love you, want you - today.
Tomorrow, in Oregon, we can share the beauty that will become a spiritual awakening. For you and me again.[/i]
[i]The doctor says be a mixture of Popeye and Yogi Bear.
Popeye says I am what I am (even though Olive oil is kind of ugly). Yogi Bear says, I'm just an average bear, but I can be better.
I'm sorry that I couldn't listen to you when you needed me, my disease was stronger than me. I'm sorry you hurt, I will listen to you. I'm there. If you're not happy, how can I be happy and vice versa.
World, find your own K. , she's taken.[/i]
There was apparently more to the letter but he called last night and said he found a page he forgot to put in the envelope. ha ha
Things are better now. I talk to the therapist, I talk to my fellow bloggers, I talk to my friends and my family. Mostly, I talk to A. and he talks to me. I know we still have a tough road ahead of us but I think we are going to make it. :D
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| A Letter To My Sister |
| 05.04.04 (5:51 am) [edit] |
I went to see A. on Sunday. We had six hours and went to the beach with the dogs and had a wonderful time. He is like a different person - thinner, happier, positive, doing great.
Anyway, I am struggling along - mostly dealing with a hell of a lot of anger. A large part of the anger comes from intense jealousy that he is getting this intensive therapy while I am left here trying to deal with all this crap by myself. So, I guess my anger showed a little bit while I was with him. He didn't say anything about it at the time.
Last night he calls and says he has asked a therapist there to talk to me and she will be calling me today - a three way conversation with her, me, and him. He says I upset him by being angry with him and I don't understand addiction and 'the disease' and this woman is going to try to help me understand. Anyway, that issue is a whole other story and it pisses me off...
So, I get off the phone with him at 11:00 and lie in bed trying to sort things out. By midnight I am having a conversation with the therapist in my head. I am telling her how scared I am to even talk to him because I am afraid to upset him. She does the therapist thing...prompting me with "why?" and "how did that you make feel?" blah blah...so I get into how when he was addicted I felt safe because he needed me and couldn't leave me and now he doesn't need me anymore and I am afraid to say or do or be the wrong thing because he will leave me. and then I get into how I had babies because I thought they would always need me and never leave me.
And then, this shrink in my head, says "Why are you so afraid of people you love leaving you?". And I answered immediately, "Because my mother left me." And, M., I stopped right there. I was so shocked that that sentence came out of me. And I saw this little baby girl sitting on the floor and her mother, her WORLD, was GONE. And I started bawling, sitting there in my bed at midnight, I bawled my eyes out for the first time because my mother left me. I kept saying in my head over and over again "I was only 3, I was only 3". And I felt like that little baby right then and it was so sad, I was so sad for her.
So anyway, I let myself have a really good cry, I let myself feel every ounce of it. And then the therapist in my head said, "How come you never told her how much she hurt you?". and I said "Because then she might leave me again."
I don't know where all of that will take me. It was a good thing, I know, but I don't know how it is going to help me now. But I just wanted to tell YOU, because I know you will understand how important that was for me.
Love you,
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| a little something i wrote when my aunt died... |
| 05.03.04 (10:52 am) [edit] |
The wall was a myriad of things – objects, photos, cut out magazine pictures, headlines, random words, scraps of fabric, and pieces of stone and glass. This was her storyboard. In some forgotten time and place she had lost herself. Did it begin after marriage? Did it begin in childhood? Or had it taken place at birth? She was misplaced, a character out of mythical time that didn’t quite fit anymore, a fairy child stolen away from the mists of the willow tree branches and forced to live in a humans made up world. Every morning she took her cup of coffee and tiptoed to the storyboard. She silently walked it from one end to the other and then from center to periphery. It was the only way she had to remind herself of who she was.
She died alone. Which is how she always felt so it seemed fitting at the time. Her family was right outside the door, holding vigil, praying to a God she had never quite been able to believe in. That was fitting too. Them praying to their God and her in that hospital bed alone. They wouldn’t understand how fitting it was. The nurse came to tell her that she had a heart attack and they had to do surgery to unclog the artery and her family was all there – where, she wondered – and that it would all be okay. Okay. Then the nurse went away and she was left alone, drifting in between gray clouds of soft gauze. She knew she was alone then and it was comforting, a familiar feeling in an alien place. Just before the bubble in her brain burst, pushing her brain violently against her brain stem and ending her life, she wondered silently to the cotton ceiling, “What happened to my story?”
If stories create us, then can we create our own story? This story is not mine, not the one I saw myself living. Where is the Jeep? The long hair? The published novels on the shelf? The book signings and the talk shows? Where are the beads and windchimes? The log cabin on a mountain overlooking the tumultuous ocean on the Oregon coast? Where are the hardwood floors and the canopy bed with the wispy fly in the breeze curtains? Where are the flowers arranged haphazardly in thrown away found again vases? Where is the gold charm bracelet that tinkles softly as I type these words that don’t seem to want to come? Where is my story? Could it be that I simply have not created it yet? Is it waiting out there? Are the muses holding on to it patiently waiting for me to come for it? I know the story. I know the story deep down in my heart. Somehow I keep forgetting to live it.
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| He is alive again! |
| 05.03.04 (6:42 am) [edit] |
Yesterday I drove across the state to spend the day with A. He had a six hour pass. We went to the beach with the dogs and it was so wonderful.
He can walk!! He can walk farther than me without getting out of breath! I think he surprised even himself! He keeps saying he hasn't lost weight but he has! His beer gut is half the size it was, his ankles are so slim, his face is thinner, his hands are not swollen, his shorts are baggy! I couldn't believe how wonderful he looks! And he is clean and worrying over his hair - ha ha - I am just so happy to see him caring about his appearance.
And his talk is so full of positives - it was infectious. He kept saying how he feels alive again and you can feel it just being with him - he is alive again.
I am so happy to have my husband back!!
:D
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| Going to rehab today... |
| 05.02.04 (2:43 am) [edit] |
Going to see A. at rehab today. A four and half hour drive there and another four and half hours back. It's gonna be a long day. I was going to get a motel and stay overnight but my check didn't clear the bank so I don't have enough money to get a motel. Don't ya just love banks?
He called last night and we had a very long talk. He was getting the feeling that I wanted to break up with him and wanted me to do it while he was there. ha ha...what an idiot. He says, "Did you meet someone?". OMG! I had to laugh...I said, "I barely leave the house! I am so depressed without you that I barely leave our bedroom!".
Met someone...geesh. He sounds really, really good and strong and happy. It is been a very, very, very long time since I heard him that way. He sounds excited about life.
He told me that if it weren't for fear of hurting me that he would have just killed himself with those pills. He knows he was killing himself slowing but me lying there next to him is what kept him from just downing the bottle. I can believe that...I am very surprised that he survived at all with the amount of pills he was taking.
Anyway, I don't know that I am getting any stronger but I try. He tells me to keep projecting a happy ending, that when he comes home he will carry me over the threshold and we'll start over and plan our lives together.
I want to believe so badly.....
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